Is your heart tired? Mine is.
It started with losing Scott. And, honestly, that would have been plenty for my heart to chew on for the year. But then a sweet college girl we love told us she is expecting a baby. And along the way we’ve also had to deal with a minor automobile accident, and a frustrating string of dead ends as our family continues to search for a new house. Then, as if my heart wasn’t already at it’s tipping point, this past Friday Rachel was offered a job at Texas Monthly Magazine and will be moving to Austin in two weeks. How much can one heart hold? How long can I sustain standing in the thick of this much life before my knees buckle beneath me?
Can’t I get a break?
Oh good. You mean you’ll fix some of these messy situations so I won’t have to deal with them?
Huh. So, maybe you’ll give me instructions on how I can fix them?
I’m stumped. How can I possibly trudge forward with all this…this…stuff? How can my heart carry all these burdens and give all that needs to be given along the way?
Rest. In. Me.
But, rest where? Rest how? What does that even mean…rest in you? I feel lazy. I feel week.
Pour out your heart to me…every fear, every sorrow, every bit of anger and confusion, and trust me to keep you. Trust my story, my design, my time. Look for the beauty of my hand along the way. Even when all you see are trials, mistakes, and heartache…choose to believe me. I hold you, and I hold every detail of every event that enters the door of your heart. My little restless one, rest in me.
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the heavens
Rising to your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything you are
You are the keeper of my heart
I am restless
Until I rest in you
Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to find sleep, tossing and turning around all the intersecting implications of every event that’s entered our world over the past three weeks. Loss. Change. Sorrow. Rejoicing. Birth. Brokenness. New life. So much movement. So much unfolding. So much to absorb and assimilate. But before I even have a chance to stop and study any of it, something new is on it’s way. I want to drink in every detail, not miss any part of what is swirling around my heart…but when? How? What am I going to do? What will happen next? I know God is near…I’ve see His beauty at every turn. But He’s awfully big right now, and His bigness is so much more than I can take in. I want to back up far enough and catch a glimpse of His bigger picture, but His landscape is enormous and my view is limited.
Still, He quiets me with His love, and I hear Him singing over me, like a mother soothing and comforting her wriggling infant. I want to nuzzle close, feel His arms envelope me, hear Him hush my cries and calm my concerns. More than just wanting to rest, I want to rest in Him. To know my Abba is big enough to carry it all, but small enough to hold my hand and not let go. Restless…until I rest in Him.